Digging up Roots + Working on the Surface
When thinking about myself, I go deep. I'm not afraid to explore the deepest depths and darkest corners of my heart and mind mostly because I've already done all that work. I know what's there. That's what I did last year. I dug up the roots. I examined the foundational issues of why I overeat, why I feel the way I do about food, and why I just can't seem to break and eradicate old habits.
I overeat because I genuinely enjoy food. To me, food isn't fuel, but an activity (a social activity and something enjoyed in isolation). It keeps me entertained and gives me something to look forward to.
I overeat because I see food as a reward. A huge meal with carb heavy food is a first place prize for a job-well-done and consolation prize for when I fail. It's both.
I overeat because I see food as a celebration of my culture. I can hear my grandmother asking, "did you get enough to eat? Let me fix you another plate." I can see rows and rows of tables full of Southern comfort food at the annual church Homecoming. I can smell the prime rib and all it's goodness on Christmas Eve.
I overeat because gluttony / over-indulgence is one of my major personal weaknesses. I'm inclined to believe that every single person has one or two major weaknesses that they constantly battle. They manifest in different ways for each person. For me, it manifests in overeating and laziness. My bent towards over-indulgence stems from the root thought of "you aren't worthy to be taken care of, so you better stock up on ______, _______, and _______."
I overeat because up until this point, I'm not willing to break habits and make lasting changes. I think this is the saddest one of all. I know what's wrong. I know where I can make real changes, but I've been clenching my fists and refusing to do things differently.
It's driving me insane. For too long I've refused to think long, always "living in the moment."
So. There's all the issues and my feelings about the issues. Like I said in the beginning, I've done this work before. It's not new to me. The roots are dug up and now it's time to work on the surface. It's time to move from good intentions and knowledge to action and implementation.
I've finally come around to the "real lifestyle change" or "maintainers mindset" way of thinking. A plan, program, or person isn't going to do the work for me. It's me.
It's me appreciating the journey I've been on. Appreciating and understanding the underlying issues and not getting bogged down, but making the real attempt to change.
Let's change - JJ